Radical Acceptance

I’m 43 and this morning my electricity got shut off. Why? It’s not because I don’t make enough money, it’s because I am shit with money. I’m about to turn 44 and I am still shit with planning and maintaining a budget. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck. I can’t even figure out if it’s because I’m underpaid and over extended in bills or if it’s because I’m just shit with money.

A common trope of childhood trauma, ranging from abuse to neglect to abandonment have issues maintaining finances and living a responsible life. An article in the website Healthy Love and Money states that, “An estimated two-thirds of children who have been neglected or abused don’t grow up to be functional adults because they can’t think through things like their career plans or organize their finances.The lack of executive functioning means that most abused and neglected children never really reach their full adult functioning capabilities. One study showed that individuals with a history of childhood maltreatment had more trouble making complex financial decisions than those without such histories. “

So here I am over here where I quit drinking, quit spending so much on cannabis, citing that this helps my cptsd symptoms and anxiety. (The truth I’ve realized is it actually doesn’t really help in a chronic setting.) I stopped partying. I’ve stopped avoiding everything and I’m trying to stop avoiding everyone. Yet, here I am still making poor financial decisions.

Is it learned? My parents were both pretty shit with money too. They tried to help me. They tried to teach me math. The stress that caused them created a lot of yelling, and then they gave up. I had an aunt and uncle who took a very active role in my life, and they tried to help me as well. Then they gave up. Perhaps I was beyond help. So I have spent the last 23 years on my own working and surviving. Somehow always making it. Yet still living paycheck to paycheck. I think at some point I gave up on myself, also. I don’t blame them.

I’m about to turn 44 and still get my electricity cut off, because I don’t know the date of the week, and I have already spent the paycheck I got at the beginning of November. I get another paycheck this week. I ask myself- can I do better? What will it take to change? When will I grow up? Is this a trauma response?

Frankly, who cares if it is! What kind of therapist do I need in order to fix this bs about me that I still just run head first into walls that I built. The radical point that I have to accept is that I am the reason this is shit, and my power was off, and I am shit with money. I should have left my childhood behind, and gotten help sooner. I should have done a lot of things.

I didn’t do a lot of things I should have. So now where we are today. Now what will I do? First of all – I am accepting that I am shit with budgets. I am shit with money. That is no one’s fault ultimately but mine. I’ve been away from home for 23 years. I would say that is plenty of time to figure it out, and fix it. Yet, I lingered in the past. That’s all over and done.

Cited: https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-can-impair-your-financial-well-being