“Where is My Mind?”

Does everything happen for a reason? Like some pre-destined magical fairy tale and each turn takes us to the next path and if we follow the golden road, we will reach heaven and all our dead loved ones?
Or are we just living in a random world of chaos and chance? A world where nothing really matters but playing the game and staying lit, and when we die it like the light bulb zapped out. There we are and are not and it’s over – done – nothing more-nothing less.
Or are we creating our own reality with all of our thoughts, words, drawings, and prayers; and when we go we will be the energy amongst the trees and sunflowers if we are on the path of light. Yet, If we were shit in our chance to incarnate as humans, we will be the energy flowing through the toxic mold and poisonous mushrooms, gooped and slimed rocks?

I don’t know. My feelings are messed up. All of my prayers, imagination stations, spirit connections, all of it seems like a delusion now.
This is the end.
Because the last thing I ever wanted to be was a Nihilist.