Now What?

When you were little, everyone would say, “looks like you have your hands full.” I would give them the chuckle they wanted, “oh yes, I do.”

After the first decade my face would become much more deadpan when they said that. Oh – hardie har haaaarggg. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. I was undiagnosed ADHD. I was broke and over worked.

The boys were total boys. So sweet and mommy’s boys but also we were 4 maniacs.

My dear sons,

You cracked eggs all over the living room once. You bathed the kitten in bleach. You “made muffins” with everything in the fridge, along with some cleaning products. You marked up the walls. You fought, screamed yelled, and escaped every lock I put on the door. You peed off the apt balcony. You peed in the toy fire truck. You peed in places I will probably never know about. You took the fish out to pet it, it died, you put it back in the bowl for me to find. (Fessed up later in grief) You skateboarded and threw rocks and biked and dug and caught snakes and frogs. You were a little dangerous, and all in fun good fun, but totally over the top.

You didn’t want to clean up anything. You didn’t want to bathe or brush your teeth. You didn’t want to go to bed or school. You just wanted to do you.

I yelled too much. I stressed too much. I catastrophized too much. I thought you were too much, while I was too much.

We all had our hands full.

Yet you were so sweet, making me sculptures, art, laugh, and loving me so much. You were the most perfect little kids I ever knew.

I was in so deep. I looked for escape from being a mom 24-7 , and forgot that in years an endless escape would come.

I don’t think I ever comprehended days would go by when I wouldn’t see you. I never knew that someday you wouldn’t want to go to the river with me. I never knew that some things would be the last time when they were happening.

I am living in a juxtaposition between feeling heartbreak and joy, elation, pride, and longing. I cannot even identify these feelings. I know it’s no use to live longing for the past. I will always miss those days, and now I hope you let me in and keep me for all of the future days.

I know I have another year left before my youngest graduates. Yet, in full Senior fashion he is busy. He will be gone almost all summer with 2 mission trips and band camp. I think this is where it sank in. I realized he doesn’t have time for lazy days at the river, and couldn’t get my other two to work out time. How much time did I waste not doing things with them when I had their utter adoration and absolute attention. Even if I didn’t think I did, I did. They were really at my beck and call, then watched me, studied me, insulated me, and loved me unconditionally like no one will ever again, even them.

It hit me hard. It is over. Without realizing it, their childhood had escaped me?

Did I do good enough? I hope their childhood did not escape them. If I did do good enough. then why does it hurt so much?

Is it because now I feel lost and as if I wander aimlessly?

I spend my present days working for a pto day and a 401k payday.

There was only one chance to live the awesome life I was given with 3 little boys.

Now what?